Dealing with grief [Serious]

[Anonymously Famous]

Over the weekend, one of my Facebook friends - we used to live in the same neighborhood, and I haven't really talked to her in a decade or so - asked for memories about someone with her last name, who I have never met.

Today, she posted a link to that person's obituary. He was her 3-year-old son. The obituary doesn't state many details regarding the death, only that it was "from injuries sustained in a farm accident."

In the past, when I've seen stories about parents who have forgotten kids in hot cars, etc., I've felt a certain amount of anger toward the parents. This, though, is someone I've known, and all I can feel is ... hurt, loss... on her behalf. I know how my toddler can run around, how she can be somewhere one second, and on the other side of the room the next. Part of me assumes that this was that same sort of thing - the kid got away and found himself in front of some sort of running equipment, or he was riding in the tractor with his dad and wriggled free. I can see any number of scenarios where this wasn't really anyone's fault, just a tragedy that happened to this family.

I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. How do you deal with unexpected grief?

[assdef]

I use humor to cope with grief. I find it particularly interesting and challenging because for most people it walks a very fine line between cathartic and offensive, and it's very difficult to know where that line is. It's like when acting in theatre and there is a very awkwardly shocking serious moment in the play, some people in the audience will often "chuckle" as a reaction. It doesn't mean they find the offensive scene funny, it's just the emotional continuum that humans have, and I think it's fascinating how you can switch between extremes (grief to amusement) almost immediately.

Anyway, this is a great example of what I'm talking about, one of my favorite scenes from the movie Steel Magnolias. Sally Field (the dark haired lady) just lost her daughter and this is the scene right after the funeral. Always makes me cry and laugh:



For your particular situation, though, the empathy you have for your friend is clearly very strong since you have a toddler and understand what that means and how that impacts people. The other way I deal with loss is to think about the things I have instead of the things I've lost, and cherish those things I have even more, and be thankful they are in my life. So maybe give your daughter some extra hugs/kisses this week, and that may help?

[atomtengeralattjaro]

I'm sorry to hear about that poor kid, this kind of thing must be devastating for the family..

Without arguing the point of this thread, I really don't think grief is one of those things you can find "tips for dealing with".
In fact, short of turning your heart to stone, there isn't any way to "deal", in my opinion. You just sort of accept it after a time.

There was a short period in my life when several people died "around me", some of them less close to me than others, some young, some old, and I still can't believe it sometimes.

"Black humor" is great sometimes, but like assdef said, it's a delicate balance. In any case, the best least bad thing about a funeral I can think of is having a friendly light-hearted chat with the loved ones over a meal afterwards, laughing on the positive memories about the life of the deceased.

[lunar_furor]

About a month ago a very good friend of mine died in a car accident. He was my friend I could still play music with, we were going to work on an album over Christmas break. The way the rest of us (his and my other good friends) handled it was going out to celebrate the life he had, instead of grieve the life he lost. When I think of my friend I don't want to remember the extremely short time of loss we had and be sad, I want to remember the long happy friendship I had and the music we used to play. Black humor is good in good balance too personally.

I hope some of that maybe helps?

[Anonymously Famous]

I use humor to cope with grief. I find it particularly interesting and challenging because for most people it walks a very fine line between cathartic and offensive, and it's very difficult to know where that line is. It's like when acting in theatre and there is a very awkwardly shocking serious moment in the play, some people in the audience will often "chuckle" as a reaction. It doesn't mean they find the offensive scene funny, it's just the emotional continuum that humans have, and I think it's fascinating how you can switch between extremes (grief to amusement) almost immediately.

There are actually some theories that hypothesize that laughter originated as a reaction to fright. It makes sense that some people would use it as a reaction to sadness.

For your particular situation, though, the empathy you have for your friend is clearly very strong since you have a toddler and understand what that means and how that impacts people. The other way I deal with loss is to think about the things I have instead of the things I've lost, and cherish those things I have even more, and be thankful they are in my life. So maybe give your daughter some extra hugs/kisses this week, and that may help?

I think I did hug her a little tighter yesterday.

Without arguing the point of this thread, I really don't think grief is one of those things you can find "tips for dealing with".

I probably could have worded it better, too. "Cope" fits better, and it's the word that assdef used. Sometimes there are ways to lessen the grief, like remembering the good, or remembering what you still have.

My daughter loves Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, a kid's show that teaches, among other things, how to recognize different emotions, what the causes are for them, and how to work through them if needed. Each one has a little song. One of them is "It's okay to feel sad sometimes. Little by little, you'll feel better again." In some cases of extreme sadness in my life, that basic principle (though I hadn't heard of the show yet) is what got me through. I still remember those sad times and tear up, but it's less frequent, and usually less extreme.

I hope some of that maybe helps?

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. And this has helped a lot. I've found that just talking through things can be helpful, so even just getting it out here has helped.

[Shai'tan]

My daughter loves Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, a kid's show that teaches, among other things, how to recognize different emotions, what the causes are for them, and how to work through them if needed. Each one has a little song. One of them is "It's okay to feel sad sometimes. Little by little, you'll feel better again." In some cases of extreme sadness in my life, that basic principle (though I hadn't heard of the show yet) is what got me through. I still remember those sad times and tear up, but it's less frequent, and usually less extreme.

I just wanted to say that my daughter loves this show too.

I think it's incredibly sad what happened, but unfortunately (or fortunately) I don't have much to say about grieving.

[Ml08180]

How do people cope with things like this?

Out of all the survival mechanisms we've developed, one of the strongest ones we have is our ability to cope with immense mental stress by putting important events out of our memory when they impact us negatively enough.

[Anonymously Famous]

I had forgotten about this specific incident, which probably proves, in part, what Ml08180 said. Now that it isn't as immediate, it doesn't hurt as much, as immediately.