Jokes R' Us

[JKL;!!!!!]

The official Jokes thread!
Rules:
1) Only post once per day on GMT +1!
By that, I mean... let's just look at the example.

Joke Joke Joke

Let's say Dude1 posted that joke on March 1, 2745.

Joke Joke Joke

Now, Dude 26532 posted on March 2, 2745.

Joke Joke Joke #2

Dude1 can write this on March 3, 2745 and later.
So it means that it's not YOU can only post once per day (GMT +1), it's the entire FORUM MEMBERS can only post once per day.
Also, please don't post if there's 2 or more people online at the same time; there could be a mixup.

2) Please, only post jokes.

3) Sorry, but please don't get off-topic.

Those are all of the rules! IF this doesn't get off-topic...
(Sticky if this goes past page 2 please?)

SO NOW, YOU CAN POST JOKES! DOUBLE POSTS DON'T COUNT IF THEY ARE SEPERATED BY A DAY (NOT 24 HOURS, BUT ONE "DAY").




(this is the first joke)
Do you know what Jokes R' Us actually means?


Jokes, for Russia and the United States. (i know it suks)

[CX gamer]

I knew a guy once, he made a topic and said that there can only be one post per day...

Now that guy, actually thought it would work... XD

[Peemore]

What did father tomato say to baby tomato when he was falling behind?


Ketchup!

[JKL;!!!!!]

asdf

[???]

God said let there be light

: Chuck norris said say please

[soloman]

who is the most popular guy at the nude beach?

who?

the guy who can hold two cups off coffee in each hand, and 12 donuts on his dick.

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!

who's the most popular girl on the nude beach?

who? super smart guy?

the one who can get the twelfth donut!

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! OMG!!!!!!!

[???]

who is the most popular guy at the nude beach?

who?

the guy who can hold two cups off coffee in each hand, and 12 donuts on his dick.

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!

who's the most popular girl on the nude beach?

who? super smart guy?

the one who can get the twelfth donut!

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! OMG!!!!!!!

cock joke

[JKL;!!!!!]

new rule: only post jokes from now on.
the once per day rule is lifted.

[Niken1337]

i once saw a sheep, but then it like went crazy and ran :'(

then i went home, hehe

[CX gamer]

I don't see anywhere in this topic that the rule has been obay'd...

Moses Meets Dubya
George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"
jokes.comedycentral.com

[JKL;!!!!!]

What happened to the baby smiley when his dad killed him?





he died.

[atomtengeralattjaro]

A little bunny was walking on the edge of the forest..



and suddenly..

















he fell down!

[.,.,.,.,]

What do you call it when a bunch of kids throw circles at each other?








A pi fight. hahahahahaahhahahahhahahahahahhahaahaa

[JKL;!!!!!]

what do you call it when a bunch of kids throws cirlces at each other?
a pie fight.

what do you call it when a bunch of mathemiticians throws circles at each other?
a pi fight.


what do you call it when a bunch of adults throw circles at each other?
being unresponsible.

[.,.,.,.,]

What kind of salad to snowmen eat??

Coldslaw (instead of coleslaw)

hahahhahhahahhaha

[JKL;!!!!!]

what was salad's favorite food?
ceaser.
(OMG SALAD KILLED HIM!)

[.,.,.,.,]

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

[JKL;!!!!!]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"






he needs to take a shot (bullet) and a tripod to rest his Canon (cannon) on =P

[.,.,.,.,]

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down.

They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

The other two guys say, "Why?".

"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".

"Why" asked the other two.

"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.

"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

" In case we get hot we can roll down the window

[Gundam_M3ister]

There was a teacher explaining to his class that they could only miss school if they were ill or if a close relative had died.
Then, one student in the back raised his hand and, trying to be a joker, asked:
"What if I said I couldn't come to school on account of total sexual exhaustion?"
The teacher contemplated this for a moment and then replied:
"I think you're just going to have to write with your other hand, then."