COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Froggychum » Sat Apr 02, 2022 8:10 pm

The refund department is a subdepartment of the complaint department. In order to book a meeting with any subdepartment of the main local branch of the complaint department you will need to obtain written permission from three employees of at least supervisor-rank from the main branch, and written permission from five employees of at least junior supervisor-rank from the branch you are looking to book a meeting with. You will also need to supply your postal code.

Once obtaining these permission, you will be directed to arrive at an in-person pre-screening, within 3-8 months, at a subdepartment branch within 80 miles of your location. This appointment will last for ten minutes, and will consist of you filling in a pre-screening application (consists of your personal information, your medical history, and your criminal record) before submitting it to the secretary's dropbox. If you are late for this appointment, you will have to re-book.

Please allow between 4-10 months for the processing of your information. At this time, you will receive a delivery in the mail that will either approve or deny you access to the final screening process. If you move addresses during this time, you will likely have to begin this process anew.

Only about 10% of our customers are approved access to a final screening on their first attempt, so do not become distressed if you have to redo this procedure several more times; we can only book so many individuals at once.

Assuming you are approved for final screening, please standby for two to five business weeks, after which you will be delivered the details of your appointment as well as a confirmation sheet. You must fill in and return the confirmation sheet within two business days, or else you will be booted from the wait list and will have to wait two years before restarting this process. Please keep in mind it may take our employees between four to twelve business days to receive this submission.

If we receive your completed confirmation mail within five days of sending it to you, our employees will begin the process of notifying upper management that you have been approved to visit one of the branches of the refund subdepartment. This is the longest step of the process, so please be patient as it has an indefinite timeframe.

Each four years that you do not receive information for an appointment, you are allowed to compose and send a formal request for information on your submission's current position in the bureaucratic process. This request must be sent to the work addresses of the eight original signees that were contacted for your application to the pre-screening program. If all eight employees coordinate and sign off on this request within eight months, you can expect a response mail in then next twelve business weeks. This mail will either consist of your current submission's position in the queue, or it will consist of a notification that the information could not be found.

Once your request reaches upper management, they will have sole discretion to determine whether or not to pass it into motion.

If your request is passed into motion, you will receive a notification that you must show up in-person to the main branch nearest to the location of the office of the upper management that signed off on your request. You will only have two business days to arrive there, so it is recommended you book a flight, if the designated location is far from your current place of residence. It is vitally important that you show up for this appointment, because failure to do so for any reason other than medical emergency (as declared by a registered physician) could result in a lawsuit by our company, with no possibility for a counter-suit. This is in accordance to Section 13C of the Business Act of 1983. To avoid international incidents, we no longer offer the possibility of meeting with the refund department to customers outside of the citizenry of the nation within which our company's headquarters lies (currently the United States of America, since 2005).

Upon successfully arriving at the designated location of your refund appointment, you will be required to sign a waiver and an NDA before being allowed entry. This is to ensure that our company can pursue legal action (without any recompense on your part) in case of your visit resulting in any physical, psychological or financial injury on our behalf. Additionally, you must recognize that we are not legally responsible in any case for any damages you receive during the times of this meeting, or while on our legal property. The NDA binds you to silence in regards to the contents of our refund department, and any events that occur during the time of your meeting with us on the company's property, only excluding crimes against your person or personal property. Breaking this NDA will result in immediate legal action with a minimum sentence of thirty five years in state prison, and a maximum sentence of execution by lethal injection.

If you agree to all of these procedures, you will be allowed to enter the premises, during which you will have forty-five minutes to roam freely (except to exclusive rooms, such as administration and security) and view our public statement on the matter of refunds (other documents reside in this location regarding the bureaucratic history of our conversations on this matter, but are restricted to non-officials and to officials who are below senior manager-rank, or high-ranking federal government and national intelligence officials of our company's home nation).


(Below is a digital transcription of the policy document on refunds held by the Refund Subdepartment -Banksy)
Spoiler:  
THE SUBDEPARTMENT OF REFUNDS - DEPARTMENT OF COMPLAINTS
LAST ISSUED IN 1996 BY SENIOR UPPER MANAGEMENT, WITH REVISIONS TO CONTACT INFORMATION

THIS LEGAL DOCUMENT DESCRIBES THE POLICY OF THE DEPARTMENT OF COMPLAINTS (HEREAFTER 'OUR COMPANY') ON THE MATTERS OF PROVIDING MONETARY REFUNDS TO CUSTOMERS, UPON CONFIRMING THE ELIGIBILITY OF THEIR REQUEST.

THIS POLICY APPLIES TO ALL LEGAL CITIZENS OF ANY COUNTRY, WHOM PURCHASE PRODUCTS AND/OR SERVICES FROM OUR COMPANY. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS.

CONTACTING US WITH ANY CONCERNS IS NOT POSSIBLE AT THIS TIME.

PLEASE CONSULT THE FOLLOWING FOR OUR CEO'S OFFICIAL STANCE ON THE MATTER:

"No refunds."
- CEO JOHN SMITH
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Evai » Sat Apr 02, 2022 8:16 pm

Ok but lets say I don't read all that and you give me a refund anyway? How does that sound
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by atomtengeralattjaro » Sat Apr 02, 2022 8:40 pm

THIS IS A NOTIFICATION OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE READ ALL OF THAT AND ENJOYED IT.
Evai wrote:
Sat Apr 02, 2022 7:56 pm
if you don't work here


what do you do
I take up valuable space.
I don't know, I got lost in the maze of subdepartments about thirty four years ago. By now my beard reaches my belly button and I survive by cooking the small rodents that have escaped from the rodent subdepartment.
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Froggychum » Sat Apr 02, 2022 11:15 pm

Ok but lets say I don't read all that and you give me a refund anyway? How does that sound
That sounds a lot like... "SECURITY!!!"

(...)

Hahaha!

(...)

Just you wait! Once they get past the several checks and balances, they will politely escort you from these premises!
I wager you will think about that next time before you try and neglect to read the terms and conditions!

---
THIS IS A NOTIFICATION OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE READ ALL OF THAT AND ENJOYED IT.
Did you miss the 'NO FUN' sign by the entrance? Please refrain from exhibiting happiness in this space.
I take up valuable space.
Correct. Your rent is overdue. Don't worry, the interest rate is VERY reasonable...
I don't know, I got lost in the maze of subdepartments about thirty four years ago. By now my beard reaches my belly button and I survive by cooking the small rodents that have escaped from the rodent subdepartment.
Hey! So that's where those rodents have been disappearing to!? Gosh... my boss is gonna KILL me if he finds out...
Thanks a lot dude :x Now I have to do unpaid overtime to reorganize the whole damn rodent storage! Ugh...
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Evai » Sun Apr 03, 2022 7:15 pm

Can someone start a 'Constructive feedback department', or a 'compliments department', any kind of department really.
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Froggychum » Sun Apr 03, 2022 8:24 pm

Heresy!!!!!!
Departments were created by God to INCREASE human suffering, not DECREASE it!!!
Leave it to a dirty communist like Evai to try and ruin our great nation!
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by assdef » Tue Apr 05, 2022 4:18 am

Evai wrote:
Sun Apr 03, 2022 7:15 pm
Can someone start a 'Constructive feedback department', or a 'compliments department', any kind of department really.
In order to initiate your request, please fill out Form 2950-B in triplicate. The pink copy goes to the operations department, the yellow copy goes to the legal department, and the goldenrod copy goes to finance. You must then obtain a surety stamp from the finance department after submitting the appropriate requisition forms and budget proposals to the department, and then bring two copies of the stamped forms plus the original and any supporting attachments to the treasury department. After those steps are completed we will evaluate your request during the next quarterly meeting held every three months. I can get you on the schedule for the July meeting, if that works for you?
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Froggychum » Tue Apr 05, 2022 4:47 am

^^ Unironically the most expedient bureaucratic process ^^
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Evai » Tue Apr 05, 2022 12:25 pm

Too long didn't read
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Froggychum » Tue Apr 05, 2022 1:24 pm

Why are you even here if you hate walls of text?

I mean... we LITERALLY have a wall of texts as in a wall of printed documents in a room right down the hallway...?

It's called The Grand Archive and our high-level bureaucrats have all begun to worship it in a religious sense, as we have no idea how it got here, or who made it... which is highly improbable given that everyone who has ever worked here is forced to file and submit a notice when they use the toilet.

Oh, and by right down I literally mean 'to the right (50 paces) and then descend (24 rungs)', and by the hallway I mean you have to follow one of the hallways in particular since every step in this godforsaken hell is a fourway stop, and by a room I mean Room 3614-B, which is of course adjacent to Room E-233 as dictated by universally-applicable organizational logic and not the whims of malicious 80s architects hyped up on cocaine and souring divorce proceedings.

Yeah and nothing is labelled. Fuck you.
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Evai » Tue Apr 05, 2022 5:33 pm

I live without labels, bro

I'm simpely the best,noone is more powerfull them me.
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by atomtengeralattjaro » Tue Apr 05, 2022 7:31 pm

Ah, I get it! The quote in your sig!
(Took me a bit, first I duckduckgo'd it and it sent me to an old thread.)
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Evai » Tue Apr 05, 2022 9:57 pm

True ASDF'ers have all posts, pasts future and present, commited to memory.

Only then can you become as powerfull as me
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Froggychum » Wed Apr 06, 2022 3:12 am

Evai is just built different.

We cannot even compete
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Evai » Wed Apr 06, 2022 7:37 pm

i wasnt builr i was createde
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Froggychum » Wed Apr 06, 2022 7:42 pm

It's okay, you're a real boy!!!
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by atomtengeralattjaro » Fri Sep 08, 2023 10:29 am

hello complaint department
I feel deja vu, but
would you consider a slight reduction in signature size?

maybe something like this?
froggysig2.png
froggysig2.png (476.24 KiB) Viewed 4515 times
A rough comparison:
sig-old.png
sig-old.png (1.21 MiB) Viewed 4515 times
sig-new.png
sig-new.png (618.75 KiB) Viewed 4515 times
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Froggychum » Sat Sep 09, 2023 3:40 am

(that looks better, thank you!)

i will but dont tell my manager, im not supposed to help clients who show up to this thread.

actually.. the truth of the COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT is...
Spoiler:  
im supposed to stall them by endlessly redirecting them to 'a colleague in a different department' which aren't busy at all but you will still have to wait through 45 minutes of horrible elevator music to speak to briefly before they hand you off to someone else.

If you make it back to me before my shift ends, you win a prize!

we still wont solve your problems tho.
this is confidential information, so you mustn't spread it

(EDIT: Made it even shorter)
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by atomtengeralattjaro » Sat Sep 09, 2023 11:02 am

Please forward this to the thanks-receiving department: "Fantastic, thank you!"
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Re: COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT

Post by Froggychum » Wed Apr 10, 2024 12:22 am

Sorry, I can't do that.
We stopped sending things to the thanks-receiving department after someone sent us a bunch of anthrax :(

I don't know how someone could do this, we just scammed them of all the inheritance from their dead family members? Some people really are so heartless and selfish!

Anyway, thanks for listening. That will be 450 dollars since I just finished my second hour of consultation. If you had hung up just 10 seconds earlier, it would have only been 225. Crazy how that works, huh?
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